"The Transition of Titus Crow"

by Brian Lumley
originally published by DAW books, 1978

Okay, gang - strap yourself in, cuz this is gonna be one nutty ride!

It's 10 years since Titus Crow and Henri Laurent DeMarigny disappeared as their house was blown away by minions of Ithaqua (all of this chronicled in 1974's The Burrowers Beneath).  Now DeMarigny has turned up, floating in the Thames with all his bones broken.  And his memory gone.  

DeMarigny gets himself put up in a private hospital by the Wilmarth Foundation, and Wingate Peaslee comes by to fill him in on the last ten years - especially their activities against "the CCD" (gawd, how I hate that).  The big reveal - they've discovered Cthulhu has a daughter!  Named Cthylla (innat cute?  It's even feminine sounding!!).  And they have a plan to open a can of whoop-ass on her!  (Peaslee says a lot more than this but all of it is tiresome so let's just skip it, okay?).

DeMarigny goes home and putters around periodically dreaming about flying through space or time or the void or some such, while Crow calls out to him.  One time he sees the clock flying through space being grabbed at by Cthulhu.

Finally, DeMarigny gets a visit from the psychic Eleanor Quarry, who turns out to be feisty and is (of course) working for the Wilmarth Foundation.  She tells him Crow is alive ... and trying to get back to earth.

And then one night - poof!  There he is - pulled back through time/space - big as live, 20 years younger, and dressed like a refugee from a Sinbad movie.  

And still a pompous ass.

So where's he been?  What happened?  What - you think he won't tell us?  You obviously don't know Titus Crow!!

So, it seems the Clock has the ability to travel through space and time, without limits.  Poor DeMarigny fell out of it when Crow, not being an experienced driver, had to "hit the brakes" when Ithaqua popped up to menace them (he also discovered that the clock is equipped with an Anti-Cthulhu-Thingy Death Ray, which he used to drive off Ithy-baby).

So, after that, Crow found himself, first on a dying earth millenium in the future, inhabited by friendly giant fuzzy caterpillars. And statues of giant beetle-people.  Then he ends up back in the Cretaceous period, where he gets chased around by pteranodons and newly-born volcanoes.  He leaves, but not before starting a shell collection.

Then he blasts off into the future.  Or something.  In any case, here's where things get truly weird.  A prologue explains that the next section of the book is transcribed from tapes recorded by DeMarigny of Crow describing his adventures, and that these tapes were damaged in some catastrophe, thus whole sections of them are cut off.  Thus Crow's stories are oddly disrupted, as he is cut off mid-sentence with a "..." and then returns discussing some other topic entirely.  This is bad writing, whether it was Lumley experimenting or simply being lazy.  The saddest part of it is that most of these breaks actually gave me pleasure, as it meant I was spared more of Crow's tiresome narrative; by which I mean to say the missing parts don't matter since the tales he was relating weren't very interesting anyway.  But here's what happened:

• Crow got chased by the Hounds of Tindalos, or, as he likes to call them, the Tindslosi Hounds.  Turns out the Hounds are basically flying stingray/bat/moths - didja know that?  Anyway they chase him a bunch.
• Crow apparently crashes and ends up all but killing himself, but he crashes on a planet of friendly robots who rebuild him a cyborg body, thus his youthfulness and several other new, ahem, features.
• Crow periodically dreams of a smokin' hot babe named Tiania and her mentor, something called Kthanid which is always hidden behind a curtain.
• Crow ends up in Roman Britain, where a local noble takes him to be the reincarnation of his long-lost son.  They keep him away from the time clock for a long time so he can't leave.  This problem is conveniently solved when the Great Race of Yith snag his brain into one of their cone bodies.
• That problem is conveniently solved when the Great Race find out Crow can operate the clock, which was made by the Elder Gods, which means Crow must be "kin" to them, and they might be watching now, so - zing!  Crow's back in Roman Britain, where he wows the Romans into letting him go.
• Crow falls into a black hole but gets out of it
• Crow meets numerous different types of aliens
• Crow flies over the Lake of Hali and is grabbed at by a tentacle belonging to Hastur
• Crow sees the sinking of Atlantis
• Crow meets Yog-Sothoth and zaps him with his Anti-Cthulhu-Thingy Ray.

And then, the saddest part, because the "fragmentary" section ends ... and what follows next, the nadir of the book, is relayed in its entirety....

Crow ends up in Elysia, home of the Elder Gods, which is more beautiful than beautiful (he informs of this endlessly).  There he finally hooks up with Tiania and spends his days laying around with her, learning to fly, being waited on by spider-people, and meeting up with several types of weird critters including, I kid you not, a race of dragons called "lithards" ... who lisp!

Yeah I'm not making this up.  "Ooth Neth", Crow's dragon buddy, is always saying crap like "Tituth Crow, Tituth Crow, come bathe with uth!"  

This however, is not how low the tale sinks...

No, I haven't mentioned Crow and Tiania and The Tree, which is just... unmentionable.

But finally, Crow is summoned to meet the mysterious Kthanid.  Who informs him (from behind the curtain) that:

• The Cthulhu things are just "fallen" Elder Gods, imprisoned because the Elder Gods just don't have the heart to kill `em
• The Elder Gods mated with human women in order to offset the Cthulooey's growing hold over mortal men - in other words to create mortal foes of the Cthulhu Gang
• And, hey - Crow himself is descended from one of those matings - thus he's part Elder God! (why this should surprise him, since Crow's seemingly unable to get through a conversation without reminding everyone how superior he is in every way, is a bit of a mystery

And then comes the Big Reveal, cuz, you see, Kthanid parts the curtain and - guess what?  He's a golden-eyed, friendly version of Cthulhu!

Yes, Good Cthulhu!

Cthulhu-buddy!

Fuck - what the hell was Lumley thinking with this one?  Oh well....

So, all goes well until Crow gets homesick and leaves a weeping Tiania behind while he goes buggering off back to Merrie Olde cuz he misses his tea and crumpets so damn much, which brings us back to him pigging out and couch surfing at DeMarigny's place.

He teaches DeMarigny how to use the clock, and some of his other handy-dandy artifacts, then one night bails, leaving a note that says (I paraphrase) "hey DeMarigny - I gotta bail cuz some big cosmic shit's going down even tho Kthanid won't say what.  I'm leaving the clock and some other goodies.  You should really use it and come visit.  It'll be great!  Of course, you'll have to find your own way here to Elysia and deal with a bunch of cosmic horrors and stuff, but hey - we'll be rootin' for ya!  Ciao!"

It would be nice to report that DeMarigny finally says "why the hell am I friends with this narcissistic, pompous, condescending asshole?!"  But no, of course he takes off in the clock, not before mailing all his notebooks and tapes to the Wilmarth Foundation.

Oh, the Wilmarth Foundation ... well it seems they tried to nuke Cthylla, and as a result, Cthulhu drove all the psychics crazy, had serial killers roaming the streets, caused terrible storms and quakes that destroyed Innsmouth, Arkham and Miskatonic U (at least Wingate Peaslee bit the dust, so it wasn't all bad).  

And thus endeth the book.

All I can say is - fucking hell what was this?

The first portion of the book - the build-up - is okay as far as that goes.  At least Lumely doesn't drag it out - instead kicking it into action just before you start wanting to skim ahead. After that, things go downhill fast.  The dying earth, evoking the last part of H.G. Wells' The Time Machine - which I happen to love, seems promising until the beetle statue got me laughing out loud.  Crow's trip to the cretaceous seems always to be on the brink of becoming exciting.  His time spent on the robot planet is simply un-engaging and I was glad to get through it.  Ditto for his trip to Roman Scotland.  

And then there's the Elysia sequence.  I mean, do I need to tear this apart?  Do I need to indulge in critical vitriol?  Isn't the synopsis damning enough!!!

I can't even bring myself to comment on Kthanid.  Yes I can.  Kthanid is a really, really, seriously stupid idea!  

Well, what can I say?  Crow is an asshole.  DeMarigny is a boob.  The story is disappointing or silly or borderline coherent.  Yeah, Transition has earned its rep as one of the all-time bummers.  Really earned it.

Now I gotta open the windows and let out the smell.  Whew!