Warning

WARNING! These reviews all contain SPOILERS!!!!

Sunday, April 22, 2018

"The Utmost Abomination"

by Lin Carter
originally published Weird Tales, Fall, 1973

Eibon recalls how he was once apprenticed to Zylac, after his pops was done by the priesthood of Youndeh.
Zylac has an unfortunate obsession with the magical writings of the serpent-men, and learns to read their language in order to study their writings.  Eibon finds this creepy.

Evidently, he's got a point, since Zylac ends up transforming into a giant snake-thing before being killed.

Very minor Ashton-Smithia from Mssr. Carter.
 

"Fall of Cthulhu"

by Michael Alan Nelson, originally published, Boom Studios, 2007
 
Okay, let's see here...

Ancient times: Abdul Alhazred writes his poetry, menaced by demons.  He finds himself in the Dreamlands.  Then he is taken to the Nameless City and fed to lizard-things. Nyarlathotep shows up, punishes the cultists who tortured Alhazred, and takes his body, to be "mended".

Modern times: Nyarlathotep, now calling himself Mr. Arkham and living with a pencilneck creep named Connor, are on a raft in a swamp.   They pull Alhazred's bod out of the water, and Nyarlathotep magically revives it.  It seems he wants Alhazred to write a new chapter for the Necronomicon.

Cy Morgan is a grad student at Miskatonic U and a total weenie.  He also has a bitchy prima donna fiancee named Jordan.  One day while they're being "witty" at an outdoor cafe, Cy's Uncle Walt, who raised him (and his sister), toddles up, sits down, rambles about a coming threat and then pulls out a gun and blows his own head off.  Lunch, needless to say, is a bust.

Back home, Cy and Jordan go through Uncle Walt's bag (which the coppers clumsily hand off to them), wherein they find an ornamental dagger.  Cy finds Walt's apartment empty and dusty, containing only some papers and a thumb drive.  The drive contains articles on paranormal events, and a thesis entitled: "The Call: Polytheistic Ritual and Primitive Cult Worship in the Modern Age".  Parts of it are in language like none Cy has ever seen. 

That night, while Cy is pissing, Uncle Walt's ghost shows up, quoting "ph'nglui" etc.  Cy follows him into the Dreamlands where a giant entity that looks like the offspring of Freddie the Frog and Little Richard (we learn that this entity is named The Harlot) gives him some cryptic warnings.  Cy smarts off to The Harlot and runs away.

An envelope address leads Cy to a boarding house where Uncle Walt was apparently living.  It's run by Mr. Arkham, who just happens to be Nyarlathotep in case you weren't paying attention.  The place is filthy and largely empty.  Cy he finds a weird statue of Cthulhu there.

Jordan the Prima Donna meanwhile is not liking Cy's deepening involvement in the mystery.  When Cy returns to  Uncle's boarding room, he finds the priest who performed Unc's funeral service there: naked, covered in symbols and babbling more Cthuloid stuff.  In one of the most hilarious moments in all of comic-dom, Cy threatens him with an "epic ass beating".  The priest kills himself, saving Cy the effort.

Things go from bad to worse for poor l'il Cy.   He asks a fellow student to translate the Arabic from Walt's files, but finds the guy with his jaw cut off.  Some students at the college hold a ritual on the quad - apparently not even realizing they're doing it.  Someone breaks into Cy/Jordan's home.  They take the hard drive, Uncle's bag, but leave the ceremonial dagger (said dagger is starting to give Jordan the heebie-jeebies - she says it's watching her).

More mysteries:  the priest wasn't from the church that gave Unc's services.  Cy never hears from his sister despite multiple efforts to reach her.  Jordan is threatening to leave.  In exchange for a wisdom tooth, The Harlot tells him something of a vast series of connected rituals meant to call the Old Ones back.  Apparently, this was what Unc was warning about and trying to stop.

Cy's investigations lead to him being literally hunted by a bow-and-arrow wielding pack of Nodens-worshipping fratboys.  He escapes.  Deciding that the whole thing has gotten too crazy, he plans to cease his investigations - but returns home to find Jordan dead and mutilated, by someone using the ornamental dagger!

Cy drinks himself into a stupor while Nyarlathotep has Connor steal the dagger from police evidence.  Cy, remembering enough, confronts Nyarlathotep with a gun, but ends up being used in a ritual by the mummified Alhazred.  When Cy comes to, he finds his sisters remains inside a sarcophagus.  This leaves him catatonic, and he ends up in a mental institution.  In The Dreamlands, The Harlot tells him that Nodens is hunting Nyarlathotep (now why Cy doesn't just say "well, gee - you can find him at the Arkham Boarding House!" is not clear).

Meanwhile, Connor is off in the arctic with a hired expedition, looking for the remains of a ship that was grounded there in 1907.  They find it, and retrieve from it a chained trunk.  Back in Arkham, Connor picks up a chick at a bar, brings her back to the boarding house, and has her open it.  A spined, fangy thing leaps out, kills her, and assumes her form.  This thing is called Sysyphyx, and is an old buddy of Nyarlathotep.  She and the Big N go off to do evil stuff.

Among such evil stuff is taking a job at a comic book store.  As if that isn't evil enough, she gives a kid an ornamental box.  The kid turns into a cruel, sadistic fuck before being eaten by a gloopy monster.  Sys kills his mother, and somehow out of all this a nasty-looking thingie called Vol'kunast is born.

Connor takes drugs and enters the Dreamlands.  There a priest of somesuch causes him to vomit out his soul (which looks like a sea-worm).  The Harlot shows up.  She Shows him the Mask of Kundai, and helps him become the Vessel of the Gith, an Anubis-like beastie.

Meanwhile, a little girl in a series of weird masks skips around The Dreamlands and then enters Arkham.

Sys and Mask Girl poke around Miskatonic U, and together with Nyarlathotep they kill a prof.  Connor's in a biker bar, so they go there and kill everyone, finally torching the place.  Connor undergoes a particularly gross surgery as part of his "vessel"-ing.  I'm completely unclear as to what happens to him after that, since the story takes off on another thread...

Back in Arkham, the cops arrest a young hispanic girl named "Lucifer".  She's apparently a thief and a drifter, but had a connection to Uncle Walt.  When told that he's been murdered, she weirds out and draws a magic circle around herself.  "The Gray Man" turns up and kills everyone except the Sheriff and Luci (its seems the magic circle makes her invisible to him).  Luci manages to save the sheriff and sends him to The Dreamlands, where we're subjected to another dose of The Harlot.  Having sacrificed to The Harlot the memories of his wife, the sheriff returns and together with Luci, hunts The Gray Man.  They manage to capture him and turn him over to The Harlot.

Luci is sent by The Harlot to break Cy out of the mental hospital.  Meanwhile, flaming amphibians and other monsters fall from the sky over Arkham, while weird and horrific events occur worldwide.  Cy, Luci, and the Sheriff head from Miskatonic U, and the Necronomicon.  They find that a new chapter has mysteriously appeared in the book.  They are taken prisoner.  Cy goes off with Sysyphyx, who has taken Jordan's form, and Luci fights with a marionette.  Luci and sheriff head for R'lyeh, which they reach with remarkable ease.  During their escape, Nyarlathotep erases the sheriff's mouth for no particular reason.  Luci cuts him a new one (after that, however, his mouth is drawn as normal - also without explanation).

At R'lyeh, a ceremony to raise Cthulhu is underway.  Nodens shows up and slugs it out with Nyarlathotep.  Sheriff takes out Sysyphyx and confronts The Harlot.  Luci grabs the Necronomonicon from Alhazred, who is torn apart by monsters ("not again!" he wails).  Mask Girl and Luci have a confrontation.  The Harlot reveals that she has taught Cy how to undo Nyarlathotep's work.  Nyarlathotep slugs her.  She releases and army of captured souls to take him out.  Luci uses the Necronomicon to cast a spell to sink R'lyeh.  She and sheriff escape on a life raft.  Later, The Harlot meets with Luci again, and Luci learns (apparently) that she is to be the new Harlot. 

Luci returns to Arkham, and with her newfound power, gives the sheriff back his memories of his wife.

An interesting epilogue tells us about Mr. Arkham aka Nyarlathotep's cat, who was once a high priest in Atlantis.


This relatively acclaimed graphic novel, or comic book, if you prefer (I'm personally just fine with "comic book"), is one of the first major Lovecraft-inspired comics.  Which is part of the reason for its acclaim, I suppose.  Cuz in truth - it's not very good.

Look, comics need good artwork, and good stories.  Good artwork alone might get them by.  Fall of Cthulhu has mostly poor artwork, and a mediocre story.

Let's start with the artwork.  Jean-Jacques Dzialowski is responsible for the first five issues.  His work is scratchy, sketchy and crude-looking, despite a good sense of layout.  Things improve a bit when Greg Scott takes over with issue 6.  But when Marc Rueda takes over on the next ish, the art, though more polished, starts to look like Satuday morning cartoon cels.  This title really called for a Berni Wrightson or Mike Ploog or Ghastly Graham Ingles-type. In general, despite the occasional effective panel, the artwork is subpar throughout the series.

Then there's the story.  While Nelson clearly knows his Lovecraft, the tone of the tale overall recalls not Lovecraft but the splatter-surrealism of Clive Barker.  I'm not saying this is bad, per se, but, (allow me to point out I like Barker's early stuff quite a bit), it's not what I look for in an HPL story.  And frankly the endless gore, torture, mass murder and such palled on me very fast.  

Nelson is good on dialog, but there again the art fails him, as his fairly naturalistic dialog rings false when combined with the poor, scratchy art.  He's also good on characterization, but he throws in his worst ideas along with his best.  More than the first third is taken up by the thoroughly unlikeable Cy and Jordan.  Luci is fine and compelling and well-drawn character - but we don't even encounter her till more than a third of the way in.  And naming her "Lucifer" is about as dumb as you can get.  The sheriff is your basic Mr. Buzzcut, but he's depicted as a good man who's very prosaic groundedness is what helps him survive.  Mr. Arkham aka Nyarlathotep is your basic Sinister Dude and not at all interesting.  And then there's The Harlot.  What the hell Nelson was thinking with this character, I'll never know.  She's both repulsive and obnoxious - and though those both appear to be intentional, I groaned inwardly every time she showed up.  I wish he'd come up with something better here.

In the end, despite an interesting idea and image or two, Fall of Cthulhu didn't do much for me.  I first encountered it several years ago and never purused it past the first six issues, and never would have bothered with it again if I hadn't decided to cover it for this blog.  And I don't think I was missing anything.  The definitive Cthulhu graphic novel still waits, dreaming....



Tuesday, April 10, 2018

"Far Below"

by Robert Barbour Johnson
originally published Weird Tales, June/July 1939

A man has taken an unusual new job, working in the underground tunnels of the NYC subway system.
He is given an orientation by former Prof. Gordon Craig, who left a job at the Natural History Museum decades ago, to work for the Special Subway Detail.  

The job is to monitor and hunt down a race of ghouls that live in the tunnels.  Craig goes on about the sophisticated technology, money, and secretive nature of the organization, and of the horrors he's seen in the tunnels, and the effect the job has on the men who do it.  Including himself...

Told almost entirely through dialogue, this is a very effective little modern (for 1939) horror tale which builds up its atmosphere strongly as it rolls along.  Its very memorable and a genuine gem of supernatural spookery.



"The Stairs in the Crypt"

by Lin Carter

originally published Fantastic, August 1976


Avalzaunt the necromancer dies, and his mummified bod is interred in a crypt.  However, a few years later, life returns and he becomes a living dead thing.

 Avalzaunt enslaves the local ghouls, and sends them on errands of vengeance.  Eventually, he finds a way out of the crypt and begins to participate himself.  

One night he attacks the Abbott of Carmotha, and is slain with a ceremonial dagger which destroys the undead.

A minor but actually quite humorous bit of Smith-ian grue.



Monday, April 9, 2018

"The Shadow Kingdom"

by Robert E. Howard

originally published Weird Tales, August 1929
 
King Kull, the new king of Valusia, one of the seven great empires and the greatest power in the known world, is invited to come alone to a feast by Ka-nu, emissary of the Picts, a savage tribe allied to Valusia.
He tells him that a trusted emissary, Brule, will come to him in the night.

Brule turns up, shows Kull the maze of secret passages that riddle the palace, and reveals that all of Kull's guards have been killed, and their bodies hidden, while impostors stand sentry outside his rooms.  Kull's chief councillor, Tu, enters the room, expecting to find Kull asleep, intending to assassinate him.  A wide-awake Kull kills Tu, who turns out not to be Tu, but in fact a serpent-headed monster magically disguised as his advisor.

Brule reveals that the Serpent Men have been ruling Valusia from the shadows for hundreds of years, replacing the kings with Serpent Man impostors. 

The Serpent Man use illusions lead Brule and Kull into the room where a long-ago king Eallal was slain.  They realize the trap and manage to fight their way out to the Council Room, where a phony Kull is holding court.  The real Kull confronts and kills the Serpent Man, thus exposing their nefarious plans as well.  He vows to hunt down and destroy the race.

I first came across this near-classic in a comic book back in the early 70's.  It adapted perfectly.  Later, in my teens, I came across the original in a sword and sorcery anthology.  "The Shadow Kingdom" is early Howard, and his style has plenty of pulp in it, but the energy and atmosphere are all there.   Its a memorable, exciting, and suspenseful tale, among Howard's best.




"The Light from the Pole"

by Lin Carter
originally published Weird Tales #1, Zebra 1980

Pharazyyn, yet another Hyperborean sorceror starts to experience pretty much everything Evagh (his buddy) did in "The Coming of the White Worm".  Various bits of mystic investigation reveal that Rlim Shaikorth was only the hearld and harbinger of Aphoom Zah, an even worse entity.  Discovering there is no escape from his fate of being taken by Aphoom Zah, Pharazyn offs himself.

This little tale is little more than a blatant and shameless rehash of Smith's "Coming of the White Worm", only with less imagination.  

Of course, there's a reason for this - Carter took a fragment of an earlier draft Smith wrote for "Coming", finished it and published it as a "posthumous collaboration".  

I know Carter needed material to fill up the pages of his Weird Tales revival, but this is pretty sad.



Sunday, April 8, 2018

"The Alkahest"

by Laurence J. Cornford
originally published The Book of Eibon, Chaosium, 2001

Verhadis is the most powerful sorceror in Hyperborea.  But he's also a right prick.  He even manages to summon and bind a Hound of Tindalos, which he can send against his rivals, thus ensuring he remains top dog.

Five other wizards decide to gang up on him.  And succeed.  This leaves an alchemist named Enoycla the big kahuna.  The remaining four, now in possession of the jewel housing the bound Hound, try to use it against him.  But Enoycla's alkahest experiment succeeds in driving the Hound off, and the jewel is buried in a bottomless pit.

Another amusing Smith pastiche.


"The Secret in the Parchment"

by Lin Carter
originally published Crypt of Cthulhu #54, Eastertide, 1988

Ptomeron, rejected by his love Zeetha, in prehistoric Ultima Thule, retires to a remote tower where he studies magic no one else will touch.

He constructs a device that focuses something called the "Z Light", allowing him to see into subterranean worlds.

Peering in, he finds a horde of maggot-like creatures crawling on a woman's body.  Zeetha's.

A rather grotesque little sketch by Carter.



Friday, April 6, 2018

"The Descent Into the Abyss"

by Lin Carter
originally published Weird Tales #2, Zebra, 1980

Haon-Dor, a sorceror of prehistoric times, and possibly not human, plans to enter the world of "gray-litten" Y'quaa in search of sorcerous wisdom.

 To get there, he needs some tablets said to be in the possession of Ubbo-Sathla, who's burbling away in the depths of Mount Voormithadreth.  So of HD goes to Mt. V.

His journey is eventful, sorta, as he meets Zulchequon, The Dark Silent One, Qumyagga, a shantak, Nug, King of the Ghouls, and K'Thugoul, The Original Shoggoth.  None of them even try to stop him, however.

Finally, he finds Ubbo-Sathla, who accidentally(?) tilts one of the tablets towards him.  What he sees causes HD to lose his shit, and he spends the rest of his days in the caves of Voormithadreth.

A shameless retread of Clark Ashton Smith's "The Seven Geases", lacking the Smith-ian charm.  In his introduction in the collection Book of Eibon, Robert M. Price's attempts to justify the tale as some sort of Bibilical scholarship, so to speak.  But it's bull.  Carter was really phoning it in with this one. 


"From Beyond"

by H.P. Lovecraft
originally published in The Fantasy Fan June 1934

Crawford Tillinghast, mad scientist, has invented a device that allows a person to experience planes of existence outside our own reality.

The unnamed narrator, participating in the experiment, sees hordes of weird-ass critters floating around a reality that overlaps our own. Tillinghast reveals that the experiment has actually transported the house into the alien plane, and that the creatures can see us too! 

One of the boogies kills Tillinghast's servant, and is making for the narrator, who grabs a gun and shoots the machine.  Tillinghast dies on the spot.  The cops determine that he died of apoplexy, and that he must have murdered his servants.

An odd, Poe-like tale.  This is H.P.L. finding his way from Poe to his own concepts.  A transitional work.

 




Thursday, April 5, 2018

"The Sphinx of Abornis"

by Laurence J. Cornford
originally published The Book of Eibon, Chaosium, 2001

In the city of Abornis, the wizard Hormagor is always playing second fiddle to Zon Mezzamalech.  This pisses him off.

He dreams of an entity which instructs him to create a sphinx, by hand, with is face, and he will become the top dog.  So he goes at it.

After days of hard work, Hormagor comes to realize this entity is evil.  He attempts to destroy the still-faceless sphinx, but fails.  He is found dead, with his own face mutilated, but his image carved into the face of the sphinx.

 Another minor but amusing Smith pastiche.


"The Bell in the Tower"

by Lin Carter
originally published Crypt of Cthulhu #69, Yuletide 1989

An old fellow lives in London, and screams whenever the church bells ring.  A fellow boarder at Gray's Inn, where he resides, named Williams, befriends the strange old coot.  Who just happens to be Lord Northam, scion of an ancient and once-wealthy Yorkshire family.  But he won't discuss that fact, or anything about the crumbling family castle and its underground vaults.  

One night, Williams finds a copy of the Necronomicon at a used book-store, and buys it dirt cheap.   Thinking the old guy will find it interesting(!), Williams shows it to him.  Lord Northam, it turns out, has a story....

It seems the family was always drawn to the outre, even back to Roman times.  By the time LN reached adulthood, he was drawn to the usual subjects, and the usual library list - and the Northam family castle had a library full of the usual.  There he found a copy of the Necronomicon, many years prior.  He also found a sealed-off tower, and therein an enormous silver bell, inscribed with "Nug-Soth" runes.  And a ritual in connection with said bell.

The ritual, involving hallucinogenic drugs and, of course, the tolling of the bell, summoned a procession of human figures on the fields below the tower, from all eras of mankind.  Northam soon became addicted to the ritual, and kept repeating it.  Less human figures began to join the processions.

Northam realizes the procession is making its way to the crypts underneath the castle.  He decides to visit there himself, and finds a misshapen, undead thing chained there.  One with an uncomfortable family resemblance...

This is definitely a change of pace for Carter.  Though overly florid and overdone, it genuinely recalls Lovecraft's earliest horror stories.  Not only that, it is entirely effective.   Almost certainly the best Carter Cthulhu story I've come across.  Not a home run, but definitely a good hit.



 



Wednesday, April 4, 2018

"The Coming of the White Worm"

by Clark Ashton Smith
originally published Stirring Science Stories, April, 1941

Evagh, a sorceror of Hyperborea, finds himself in a sticky situation, when his tower and the surrounding village are taken by a strange magic which freezes everything, and everyone.  Said magic emeges from a colossal floating iceberg which has sailed into the harbor.

Evagh is taken aboard the iceberg, which serves as the ship and home of a creature called Rlim Shaikorth, and six other powerful sorcerors, who have been abducted by RS and had their bodies now magically altered so that they can survive in RS's inhospitable environment.  In addition to sparing their lives, RS has promised them all the gift of mighty magical wisdom and knowledge.  In exchange for obeisance.

Oh, and did I mention that RS is a bit, gloopy white worm-thing?

Soon after, Evagh notices the number of his companions dwindling one-by-one.  He learns also that the magics that have altered him to allow him to live in RS's environment have made it impossible to live in earth's.  

So they sail around, freezing and destroying the world Evagh knew, while the RS's guests keep disappearing and he keeps getting bigger and fatter.

One day, Evagh finds himself alone, and RS asleep.  The voices of his vanished comrades inform him that, while RS has eaten both their bodies and their souls, their consciousness is active and can speak, while RS is asleep.  They tell him how to kill RS (which is pretty straightforward), but that doing so will cost Evagh his life as well.

Evagh hacks RS with his sword.  RS splits open and a seemingly endless supply of black gloop pours out of him, apparently drowning Evagh and destroying the floating iceberg-ship.

Weird stuff, man.  This sinister fairy tale from C.A.S.  is a favorite of some, but I don't consider it one of his most memorable (I first read it 30 years ago and couldn't remember a blessed thing about it, while there are other Smith stories I remember vividly).  An interesting oddity all the same, and Smith does Smith better than any of his imitators.


"The Strange Doom of Enos Harker"

by Lin Carter and Robert M. Price
originally published Crypt of Cthulhu #69, Yuletide 1989

Paxton Blaine goes to work as a secretary for Enos Harker, a strange scholar and priest of an obscure Christian sect.  His job is translating and cataloging data and quotes from the usual sources.  

Harker is an oddball.  Worst of all, he's half-covered in bandages all the time - allegedly due to an eczema or scleroderma-type illness.

Blaine becomes more and more disturbed by what he's scribing.  Harker seems to get worse and worse.  One night, with Harker in bad shape, Blaine gets a look at how repulsive he is under the bandages - Harker's features are actually changing shape.

 Harker explains that years ago, he journeyed into Asia on missionary work, and found his way to the fabled Plateau of Leng.  There he was taken in by a sinister cult, and took part in grotesque, cannibalistic ceremonies.  He also learned that he himself was an avatar of Nyarlathotep.  He believes himself to be the herald of the end of the world, and plans to avoid this fate by leaving Earth for the Dreamlands or some other far-off dimension.  

Soon after, Enos Harker disappears in a flash of unearthly lightning.

This is a decidedly unusual, and effective, Carter tale.  

While the Lovecraftian structure is still present, it seems less an attempt to ape an HPL story.   It also recalls more early, Poe-influenced Lovecraft.  The tone, however, is not particularly Lovecraftian.  Harker's extended mystical theorizing and the gruesome and creepy details of his experiences with the Leng cult are more reminiscent of Thomas Ligotti or Clive Barker.  This is not a great story, but it is decidedly effective and its curious that, so late in his game, Carter seemed to be finding a voice of his own.  Or is that all the work of Price?


Tuesday, April 3, 2018

"Perchance To Dream"

by Lin Carter
originally published Crypt of Cthulhu #56, Roodmas, 1988

Parker Winfield, at the urging of his friend Muriel van Velt, visits a psychic investigator named Zarnak.

It seems Winfield has been tormented by strange dreams of a submerged, ancient city ever since he inherited some antiquities from his grandfather.  Zarnak finds among them an image of Ythogtha.  He destroys it with a star-stone.

A very minor tale, though the Dr. Strange-like Zarnak is an amusing character.






Monday, April 2, 2018

"The Feaster from the Stars"

by Lin Carter
originally published Crypt of Cthulhu #23, Hallowmass, 1984 

Lord Voorth Raluorn becomes constable of Commorium and dabbles in sorcery.  After trashing devil-worship ceremony, Voorth is haunted by dreams of the Tsatoggua-like entity whose idol he destroyed.  Which turns out to be Zvilpogghua, possibly an offspring of ol' Tsath.

From the ancient wizard Yzduggor, Voorth learns a ritual to summon Zvil, in the hopes of gaining his forgiveness.  

He performs the ritual, but is instead eaten by Zvilpoggua.

Amusing but very minor stuff.


"The Soul of the Devil-Bought"

by Robert M. Price
originally published Cthulhu Cultus #5, 1996

Dr. Anton Zarnak, and his houseboy, Singh, are summoned by Jacob Maitland to the Sanbourne Institute.  

It seems that Maitland not long ago paid a visit to Winfield Phillips (c.f. "The Winfield Heritance") in order to attemp to buy the rest of his inherited occult library.  He finds Phillips with a new roomate, a Native American named E-choc-taqus, and in pretty bad shape.  He is unwilling to sell the collection, and, in fact, wants the rest of it, already donated to the Institute, back.

Zarnak knows the rest.  He, Maitland and Singh trek out to Winfield's pad, and enter the underground chambers through a secret entrance in the graveyard nearby.  There, a yugg leads them to a confrontation with Hiram Stokely, Winfield's deceased relative who, it seems, had in fact taken over Winfield's bod.  Much mayhem ensues but Zarnak saves the day.

After some decent build-up, this quickly descends into some pretty minor pulp territory.  Fun but inconsequential.