Warning

WARNING! These reviews all contain SPOILERS!!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2025

"The Invaders"


By Henry Kuttner  


Originally published 

Strange Stories, February 1939   

Michael Hayward is a writer.  Actually he's a riff off H.P. Lovecraft himself.  His friend Gene, a reporter and a mutual friend have come to visit him at his cottage near Santa Barbara.  And man are the seagull's noisy.  

Well the visit gets weird as Hayward is really agitated, and says he's being attacked.  Things get weirder when Gene grabs what he thinks is a weird vine outside the window and it pulls itself away from him.  It seems Hayward's place has been under siege by these things, which hang out and screetch like weird birds, and look like - well, I dunno, Kuttner describes them as obnoxious and gross beach ball monsters.  He confesses he thinks he attracted these things via his use of a drug that allows him to vividly re-experience past lives, including pre-human lives, and that its the events that he experienced under the influence that allowed him to come up with his stories.

He also tells Bill and Gene its not safe to leave.  

Well the beach balls lay siege to the house, freaking everyone out and eventually chomping down Bill before Hayward remembers an incantation that sends them back.  Then he tosses the drug into the sea.

(which doesn't sound like such a great plan)

This is a lively and entertaining little tale but Kuttner doesn't quite get the tension of the men hiding in a house under siege by alien beasties.  Also said beasties come off more comical than scary the way Kuttner describes them.  Not bad though.






Sunday, October 5, 2025

"The Web of Easter Island"

By Donald Wandrei 

Originally published Arkham House, 1948  

In the British village of Isling, near an ancient road called The Vadia, little Willy Grant finds something odd in an old graveyard. we're never told much about it but it might be a "green stone".  His mom is not amused and informs him in no uncertain terms he's to return it to the graveyard the next day - or else!  Remember this was the 40's and you could still beat kids with impunity in them good ol' days.  But that night moms has a nightmare about a little gray Gollum-y thing skittering around a gravyard accidentally unleashing a bunch of giant titanic figures from the bowels of the earth.  She and her husband wake up to the sound of Willy's screams.  Running in, they find all that remains of him is a decayed mess.  Moms loses her mind and wanders the roads, clutching something in a bundle she won't let anyone see, while Pops just stays silent and sulky (and they don't mention to the neighbors what exactly happened to Willy, claiming he died in the fire Moms accidentally started while wigging out upon seeing her kid go all M. Valdemar on her. Needless to say this stirs up a lot of gossip).  During a big-ass storm, Moms babbles weird, unknown languages, and lightning strikes their house, causing another fire.  When the neighbors come to investigate, the Grants are in pretty much the same state as Willy was ("greenish corrupton").  Oh and no sign of whatever it was she had in her bundle.

This weird tale reaches one Carter E. Graham, curator of the Ludbury Museum of Archaelogy and Anthropology and all-around slug (he's done a lot of exciting research and he'll write it all down and publish it, someday ... maybe) via the newpaper.  The image Willy found interests him very much - "can it be"? he wonders aloud in a blurt of pulpish droologue.  Off he runs to Isling to check out that old graveyard.  Digging around he finds an image, vaguely described, of greenish-gray stone that seems to shift and change form while he looks at it.  Holding it makes him feel displaced in time, frightened, and depressed, all at once.  He keeps digging and finds a slab with characters on it, the like of which he's never seen before.  Then the slab moves, or changes, revealing a tunnel into the earth that smells like a tomb.  Then it goes back to its slab-state.  Graham heads back for London, thinking lots of deep thoughts about the image, the slab and what it all might mean.

Cleaning the image, he finds some writings on its base, identical to the ones on the slab, and comes to believe they're some kind of astronomical chart. Later that night on the train home, he hears a weird chanting in the distance, the same burble Mrs Grant was burbling.  The train crashes and Graham loses his bags, including the image, as he's knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's in a hospital, where a nurse he terrorizes with ludicrous psuedo-intellectual bullshit informs him he's undergone surgery for a skull fracture and a concussion, which she deems "minor".  He spends his recovery time dwelling on the image and how he must somehow get it back.  He also learns the reason for the train wreck is completely unknown, and that he's the only survivor.  Efforts to find his bag with the image are fruitless, so he goes back to the graveyard, unearths the slab again, and takes pictures of it.  He calls up an old colleague to check out the pics.   His old colleague Alton is so entranced by the writings - a combination of Sanskrit and "the Ulonga chant", that he pretty much forgets Graham is even there, so Graham heads back to his hotel and reads the paper, wherein he learns that a ship has disappeared at sea, after being reported to have been enveloped in a "greenish mist".  

Wandrei then decides to confuse us by hopping from Graham's story, and timeline, over to one concerning Dan Farrell, who was on the now-missing ship, but also on the ill-fated train (wasn't Graham supposed to have been the only survivor?).  And so we begin Chapt. 4 with a disoriented Dan stumbling around in the wreckage of the train and a buncha messed-up corpses.  Dan's none too happy about being in a train crash, especially since its going to make him late for the ship he needs to catch to the US.  And boy does he need to catch it cause he just murdered his wife and needs to get the hell outta Merrie Olde like now.  He doesn't give a damn that his luggage is buried under train wreck debris, but he wants to look normal while he's boarding that boat, so he grabs the first handy-looking bag that happens to be lying around among train parts and body parts.  And wouldn't you know it - it's Graham's bag!  He fucks around London (we're even treated to a detailed description of his breakfast menu - and boy does Danny have an apperite!), eventually boarding his ship.  There he notices a smokin' hot chick with two-tone hair (in the 40's!?!) checking him out with a full-on come-rip-my-clothes-off-big-boy look.  So natch he goes and chats her up, using the hair as an icebreaker.  They proceed to have a coy conversation that's pretty much a textbook example of how not to make small-talk with a woman and perhaps answers the question as to why Wandrei was a lifelong bachelor, but in any case Dan learns her name is Joane Marsh and she might be married - she doesn't know!  That latter turns out to be not as absurd as it sounds - it seems her husband Thomas disappeared without a trace about a year ago.  Hmmm.  How convenient.  Dinner and drinks is on.

Dan drops by Joane's luxurious cabin and we're treated to what passes for a "sexy" scene as written by a Lovecraft-obsessed Weird Tales pulp writer and some-time surreal/gothic/cosmic horror poet - i.e. it's pretty damn hilarious.  Then dinner with a lot more coy dialog.  They make plans to meet again for dancing in a bit.  Dan goes back to his cabin and finally opens Graham's bag, being a little surprised at what he finds.  He removes the bundled-up image and tosses the bag out the porthole.  He unwraps the image and it freaks him out, but somehow he finds himself unable to toss it out the porthole, so he makes his way out to the decks intending to toss it over the side as soon as he can get some momentary privacy.  Unable to achieve such a moment, he conceals the bundled image under a firehose.  

We're then treated to another lengthy scene of Dan getting ready for his hot date, finally interrupted when Joane shows up, calling him "Tom" in her sexiest voice.  Now things get really weird as Joane reveals to no particular surprise to us readers that she offed her hubby.  Dan goes to retrieve the image but finds Joane already has it and is in bed with it(!) and chanting those same weird chants we've encountered before.  Things get pretty damn weird between these two mariticidal (that's a real word!) lovers before the ship finally vanishes, in the aforementioned cloud of greenish mist.

Graham, bright fellow that he is, deduces the idol must have been on the ship.  So he muses about where it might be now.  He decides to go back to Isling, taking with him Bjort Liska, a young archeologist from the museum staff, and Tom, the janitor's son, cuz he's strong and reliable even if he is a dumbass.  After lunch and a pointless debate about eating in graveyards, Graham starts digging away.  Soon he's uncovered the great slab door and gotten it "open".  With Tom handling the ropes at the other end, Bjort and Graham lower themselves down into the mysterious shaft.  After a long trip they come to the bottom, which is filled with skeletons.  Bjort determines these are fine specimens of cro-magnons, and under them neanderthals, piltdowns, flintstones, rubbles ... the whole history of human evolution.  After three hours they decide to go back.  Just in time for the rope to suddenly snap and fall.  Reacting with superhuman calm, Bjort and Graham decide to see if there might be another way out.  After some digging, they find a tunnel and Graham explores it.  Eventually he eperiences another hallucinogenic episode, shapes changing and realities shifting.  Next thing he knows, he's waking up at Stonehenge.  He manages to make his way back to Isling and graveyard, where Thomas had simply nodded off.  He lowers himself down, but nothing is left of Bjort except his tools and some clothing items.  Graham begins to believe that this was a kind of trap set to lure the curious and investigative, and that Bjort fell vitim to it, the first human to do so in thousands of years.  Lucky Bjort!

Back home he finds a letter from Alton's secretary, informing him that Alton has snuffed it but not before writing out some papers and having them sent to Graham.  It seems he finally figured out the Isling characters, connected to two other unknown languages he discovered in Hyderabad and Africa.  After voicing the Isling sounds aloud, things got weird - the spatial distortions Graham experienced, weird chanting sounds, and then he bashed his head so hard he was bleeding to death.  Despite bleeding to death from a head injury, he was able to scribble this tiresomely long-winded last letter to Graham, and even sign it!  Also included is his partial translation, - an invocation to the "far titans" from the "great far beyond".

Meanwhile the news is grim - a black magic-related uprising in Africa, religious mania leading to riots in India, in New York an artist named Glen Kalen has committed suicide, after reporting a period of disturbing dreams and producing some striking but unpleasant paintings, including one a great greenish fog from which menacing figures seem to be emerging, a serial killer loose in San Francisco, another suicide, a young poet, who left behind a few lines involving the coming of the "titans", a catastrophic fire at a mental institution in Bavaria which led to the escape of a bunch of crazies, who left behind drawing of monsters crushing or eating people, and a pilot reporting seeing a greenish haze on Easter Island.  Graham sets off on another trip - presumably to Easter Island?

We're then treated to a lengthy autobiographical entry from Graham's diary, most of which has little-to-no relevance to the story (including his disastrous love life).   In the process we discover that some of the language of the translation ("Keeper of the Seal") Graham had in fact encountered before, in Tibet, years ago, along with some maps that seemed to depict the earth as it was millions of years ago, and including an unexplained line from where Easter Island would be to where Stonehenge would be.  At this point Graham reveals that he's long suspected human life may have developed due to the intervention of some alien intelligence, and that this is an idea he's been pursuing for a long time. And he thinks he's got his evidence now.  Interesting that he'd completely forgotten that previous discovery until now.

Easter Island is deserted - Graham has no clue where the natives went.  He explores the island, getting more freaked out by his isolation, the famous statues, and weird lights and sounds.  He's troubled by weird dreams of flying through space and being aware of incomprehensible alien intelligences.  He experiences apocalyptic visions of the "titans", or at least as he imagines them.  

Graham dreams of a barren, blasted land under a green sun, where eventually he comes across a forest. The forest is wild and full of strange and menacing trees and growth and half-glimpsed threatening life-forms.  He wanders on through forest, hills, an empty alien city, mountains till he comes to an area lit by a strange light.  There he's assailed by lights, sounds, winds, flames.  He wakes up - in a blackened wasteland under a green sun.  He wanders on, his perceptions of time, space and identity in flux. He ends up floating in a sea. A spaceship appears, lands in front of him, and a man steps out and speaks to him in an unknown language, then in several known ones.  He is led aboard the ship by this fellow, whose name is Moia Tohn, and shown a star chart (turns out he's still on earth) and a device that turns thoughts into visual images.  He learns he's moved forward in time almost 1.5 million years.  

As their guest, Graham catches up on the history of the last few millenia.  He learns the ways of this new world, so far removed from earth as we know it that it might as well be an alien planet.  He considers a form of voluntary suicide the people now have, but decides to stay and explore this new world.

What the fuck was this?

Wandrei was the great missing link of the "Lovecraft Circle".  Co-founder of Arkham House, close friend of HPL, frequently mentioned in Lovecraft bios, and still alive into the 1980's.  But his stories were near-impossible to find and (mostly) never made the lists of recognized Cthulhu Mythosa.  Unlike Derleth, Smith, Howard or even Frank B. Long there were no paperback collections out there to be had.  Wandrei was a great unknown.  

But, in the early 00's I did finally get some answers.  Thanks to a library copy of Don't Dream, a collection of Wandrei's supernatural and fantasy tales.  All of `em.  Now the truth could be known.  Wandrei didn't make the official Cthulhu lists because he never wrote anything specifically using the Lovecraft arcana.  Though many of his stories thematically align with Lovecraft (fantastic cosmic alien terrors), he went his own way.  More power to him on that.

As to the lack of availability of his stories, that one turned out to be even clearer.  He wasn't very good.

It's not that he never wrote anything good.  There are a handful of pretty good stories in Don't Dream.  But for 400 pages and the company he kept, could I be blamed for having expected more?  Nothing as memorable as Smith or Howard, about on a par with Long (maybe a notch or two below).  Yes, superior to Derleth's bad pastiches and hacked-out spook stories, but nothing as good as Derleth's actual best ("The Lonesome Place").  Anyway Don't Dream settled my Wandrei curiosity pretty much for good.  But I did seek this one out as well, via an interlibrary loan.  I read it, was disappointed, and then promptly forget everything about it except that I hadn't been that impressed.

Anyway you can now read it on The Internet Archive if you don't want to shell out $70-$150 for a copy.  Which, in case you haven't guessed, I don't recommend.  

This isn't a terrible book.  But if I had to pick one word, it's amateurish.  Wandrei had talent as a wordsmith. His best fantasy writings are some very short (two pages or so) "prose poems" which have no real plot but are just exercises in descriptive spookiness and atmosphere.  And Web has several bits of that.  The opening chapter is really effective mini-horror story and sets the scene for some good stuff.  The last part of the shipboard romance interlude, with Joane moaning in the bed with the image is quite bizarre and weird.  The descriptions of the spatial distortions people experience when handling the idol, and Graham's experience in the underground chamber are completely effective and the kind of thing Lovecraft was often trying for and missing.  And Graham's journey through the dark forest is terrific, spooky and otherworldy.  

But then, side-by-side with it is truly bad pulp writing.  The whole shipboard flirtation is embarassing. Not to mention the absurd coincidence of two people who've murdered their spouses meeting on a ship and falling for each other.   Needless descriptions - a whole phone conversation written out, a detailed account of what Dan had for breakfast, are silly distractions.  Bjort and Graham's blase reaction to being trapped in the chambers (they don't even seem concerned about what might have happened to Tom), and of course Alton taking time to write out all his notes and sign them(!) while bleeding to death (why didn't he just go to the fucking ER???) is hilarious.  

The other problem is Wandrei was all over the map with his story.  Having the Grant's tale as a lead-in/prologue works fine, but the switch from Graham to Dan is abrupt and confusing.  Even moreso is the sudden insertion of Graham's autobiography which adds nothing except to tell us at length that he's a sad sack and always has been.  And the fact that his having encountered the alien script before just apparently slipped his mind is pretty absurd too.

Then finally, in the last couple chapters, the story just veers off into another direction.  Nothing is actually resolved and all the unsettling buildup is just dropped.  What were the titans and what was the culmination of these apocalyptic visions?  Ah, never mind.  Let's just go tripping off with my new future pals.

The story is that Wandrei originally started this book in the 30's, couldn't find a publisher (not surprising as it isn't very good), then shelved it, did some revisions and got it published through Arkham House, which he was a co-founder of, after all.  I don't know how much of the book is from the 1930's draft (which has since been published but I'm not interested enough to investigate), but it definitely seems as if Wandrei forgot where he was going so he wrote a resolution based on wherever his mind was at in the late 40's, without regard for any continuity with the rest of the book.

It's interesting to note how many other works this story recalls, both precursors and antecedents. There are echoes of "The Call of Cthulhu" (research into antiquities revealing ancient horrors, a wave of madness and nightmares affecting nearly everyone), "The Shadow Out Of Time" (a detailed, and frankly dull description of an alien culture of the future), and shadows of Colin Wilson's The Philosopher's Stone and Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End and "The Sentinel".  But Lovecraft, Wilson, and Clarke all did far more with these ideas.

All in all it's an interesting oddity with a few good moments.  But nothing more.





  






"The Tale of Satampra Zeiros"

by Clark Ashton Smith  


Originally published Weird Tales, November 1931   

Satampra Zeiros and his buddy Tirouv Ompallios are thieves living in the city of Uzuldaroum, current capital of Hyperborea.  Lately the thieving business hasn't been so hot, and they're down to just enough cash to get drunk in the hopes it will inspire a new heist scheme.  So that's what they do.

The booze kicks in and Satampra does indeed come up with a plan.  A day's journey away is the former capital, Commorium.  It seems Commorium was completely abandoned (in a single day!) centuries ago, and is now a ghost-city, slowly being absorbed into the surrounding jungle, a place everyone is afraid to go.  So afraid that the treasures of the old kings and such are still there, gathering dust.  Why don't they go snag it?

Agreeing this is an excellent idea, the two best buds head out the next day and head for Commorium, stealing from everyone they meet.  Finally their path takes them into an increasingly thick and menacing jungle, where everything's extreme - trees, flowers, and even beasties that watch them as they make their way through the creepers into Commorium.  The jungle is so dark and spooky that they start to get a little freaked out, so they get drunk again on some stolen booze and are soon convinced nothing can stand in their way.  So even though its dark when they arrive at Commorium, they plow on ahead.  

Commorium is well=preserved but utterly empty.  They explore the deserted streets until coming across a non-desrcipt square building they recognize as a temple.  Must be good stuff in there!  They head in.

The temple turns out to be a temple to Tsathoggua, and contains nothing but an unadorned stature of Toad Boy and a big-ass metal basin on three legs sitting in the middle of the room.  While looking over that statue and getting pissed at its lack of bejewelment, they begin to notice a nasty stink coming from the basin.  Unwisely deciding to go look, they find it full of black gloop - which seems to be moving.  The gloop suddenly forms itself into a liquid monster with "malignant" eyes which comes slithering out after them.  Wisely, S and T decide the thing to do is run like hell.  

They flee all night, with the monster chasing and seemingly toying with, them.  By dawn they realize they've been running in a circle as they arrive back at the temple.  Seeing no better choice, they run inside and slam and bolt the door. But the gloop monster finds some holes to slither in through, and now it's back in the (now-locked) room with them.  Satampra shouts "farwell, Tirouv Ompallios" - which translates into "you're on your own sucker!" and hides behind the statue.  Tirouv, having no other choices, tries to hide in the basin.  The gloop monster transforms itself into one big mouthy shape and swallows him, then goes to sleep in the basin.

After noting that it hasn't moved or made a sound for awhile, Satampra decides to split, sneaking over to the door and shooting the bolt - which makes enough noise to wake the gloop, which launches a tentacle, grabbing Satampra's wrist as he tries to flee.  He manages to escape - but now minus a hand.

What makes this little fable work is Smith's flowery language, his ability to vividly conjure up fantastic imaginary worlds and scenes, and his sarcastic humor.  Satampra is your basic classic loveable scumbag, and his willingness to throw his beloved boon companion under the bus at the first sign of being eaten by a cosmic gloop monster is priceless.  Not much plot here but a lot of fun!





Saturday, October 4, 2025

"The Hounds of Tindalos"

by Frank Belknap Long 
originally published Weird Tales, March 1929  

Halpin Chalmers, occultist and author, invites his friend over for a weird little visit.  After arguing about metaphysical vs scientific concepts of time and space (which Frank dismisses as "rubbish"), Halpin reveals his plan.  He's gotten his hands on a rare drug from China called Liao, which will allow his mind to be freed of the illusion we call reality and allow his consciousness to roam time and space with impunity.  He wants Frank to watch and take notes of what happens and everything he says.  This is what people did in the 20's when they got high, being as Pink Floyd hadn't been invented yet.  In any case Frank agrees to play stenographer, forgiving Halpin for being so rude as to not offer him some of his high.  But he does so grudgingly, with repeated warnings that Mr. Ranger isn't gonna like it.

Frank trips away and begins to describe, in the purplest manner possible, all the things he's witnessing as time and space become simultaneous and he is tripping throughout human history and even pre-history like a coked-up deer (apparently experiencing multiple past lives, all at the same time).  Frank takes notes (he must have known short-hand given how verbose Halpin is) and begins to notice a nasty smell in the room.

Suddenly Halpin begins to wig out.  He's seen, and been seen, by some things he calls "The Hounds of Tindalos"; beyond good and evil, but living(?) repository of everything bad in the universe - and I do mean everything.  More importantly - they're dangerous as hell.  More importantly - they're after him!  

Frank's had enough and leaves Halpin babbling about angles and curves and The Hounds, declaring his intent to send his doctor over (which he apparently forgets to do when he gets home).

The next morning Halpin calls him up and demands he pick up a shitload of plaster of paris and bring it over to his place forthwith, fifthwith even.  Frank thinks nothing of this and complies, not even bothering to ask Halpin to reimburse him.  Back at Halpin's place, Halpin has him help pack the corners and angles of the room with plaster until they are rounded out, turning the room somewhat spherical.  Meantime he blathers on about the Hounds some more, insults Frank, apologizes, then proceeds to insult him again (Frank's mind is prosaic, he declares, while his own is superhuman!  Ah humiity...).  Finally having enough of Halpin's bullshit, Frank leaves again, again declaring his intent to send is doctor over (which he again apparently forgets to do).

That night the town is struck by an earth tremor.  Halpin is found dead in his apartment, in a perfect triangle of crumbled plaster, naked, decapitated, and covered in some kind of blue goo that turns out to be some kind of never-before-seen sort-of living matter.  Oh, and Halpin left a bunch of notes - mathematical forumlas, chants, mad scribblings and a final description of how he's being attacked by monsters, signed off with "aaaaah".  Yeah Long actually went there.

Okay, the things that jump out at me herein are that Long was really into physics and the intersection of physics and metaphysics - c.f. "The Horror from the Hills" for a deeper dive into that - but herein they are presented a lot more concisely and interestingly than in the Elephant story (and here I thought the marriage of eastern philosophy and quantum physics was a 70's thing!).  This all isn't so revelatory now but in 1929 it must have been a major mindfuck.

This story is techinically slight (barely even a story really), and the writing is purple pulp at its purplest and pulpiest - no one in the world ever talked like Halpin, especially when they're higher than a kite, and the whole scribbling a windy description of being attacked while being attacked by extra-dimensional monsters, even to the point of writing out "aaaah" is hilarious.  

BUT - as with "The Space Eaters" (which isn't as good as this one, but has some of the same guilty pleasure charms), I like this story.  It's fun, it's interesting, and I have to give kudos to Long for the Hounds - because he manages to make these things menacing and creepy while in fact telling us virtually nothing about them.  That's effective. 





Sunday, September 28, 2025

"The White Ship" by H.P. Lovecraft


Originally published Weird Tales, March 1927  
Basil Elton, like his father before him (and his grandfather before him) is a working man and like his father before him that work is keeping a lighthouse.  Because Elton's aren't terribly ambitious types.  They didn't take rebel stands either - just shared weird stories about the sea and distant exotic lands.  Real exotic.  Like complete fairy-tale-froot-loop exotic.

(Actually I've always thought it would be cool to be a lighthouse keeper.  Just sit out there all night with a good book and the foghorn blowing and turn the thing on once in awhile. But we all know lighthouse keepers are all grizzled old salts with beards and I can't grow one to save my life, plus I'd miss out on friends, dates, etc so I guess it's not meant to be.  Sigh)

(Plus I'd be up late at night waiting for a dinosaur to pop out of the ocean and knock the place down, y'know.  Anyway I digress)

 So Basil keeps the light house and spends his time dreaming (it isn't entirely clear if this is a day-dream (well it happens at night) or a nocturnal one) about a white ship piloted by a bearded man in robes that sails in when the moon is full.  The cap'n invites Basil to board - which at first he declines but finally complies, (crossing the water on a bridge of moonbeams) and they sail off to explore a chain of islands not found in any atlas. 

And oh the places they go, including a "green land" where "dwell all the dreams and thoughts of beauty that come to men once and then are forgotten", the city of Thalarion where demons (we're never told anything about them except they're "frightful") live, the "Land of Pleasures Unattained" which appears to be not so pleasurable (it "reeks of plague" - not entirely sure what plague reeks like but, okay).  The whole time they're following an "azure celestial bird" which I guess is kinda like HPL's version of a dove.  

Anyway they end of in Sona Nyl, "Land of Fancy" where Elton spends "many aeons" fancying.  He hears of a place called "Cathuria" and just has to go there like now (I guess fancying had gotten dull) so he persuades ol' beard-and-robes to sail him out there, following the bird.  Except know one actually knows where Cathuria is.  But they sail west anyway - after all we all know The West is the Best, right? (Thanks Jim!)  Anyway it all turns out to be a bad plan since they reach the edge of the world and fall off.  

Just in time Basil starts awake and finds himself on the rocks outside the lighthouse, which he allowed to go out, and now a ship is crashing on the rocks big time.  Later on he finds a dead azure bird and bit of ship debris, pure white.  Poor Basil!

This is really early Lovecraft and it shows, since the whole thing is so sketchy its almost more like a summary of a story (with some evocative notes) than an actual story.  It's completely Dunsany-derivative but Lovecraft does add his own peculiar note of melancholy to the thing.  I think (pure spec here as I don't know that much about Dunsany as a person) that the big diff between Dunsany's fantasies and Lovecraft's attempts to imitate them is that Dunsany enjoyed playing with his worlds of imagination whereas at the time Lovecraft was doing his most Dunsany-dipped work, he was either undergoing or coming out of some kind of major depressive episode, and he really did want to leave the world he found so awful and run off to fairy-tale land.  That kind of feeling completely permeates this story like you would believe.  All in all its an interesting trifle with some sad subtext underneath.





Saturday, October 5, 2024

"The Hoofed Thing" aka "Usurp the Night" by Robert E. Howard

 


originally published Weirdbook #3, 1970

Michael Strang lives in an unnamed suburb and has a fiance named Marjory.  It seems Marjory's a bit upset right now because her fat Maltese cat Bozo has disappeared.  And so have a bunch of other cats in the neighborhood lately.  So Michael decides to play Good Boyfriend and goes out looking for Bozo, albeit without much hope or seeming enthusiasm.

He decides to make his first stop at the home of his relatively new neighbor, a dude named John Stark whom Michael has never met or even seen.  It seems Stark is recluse and potentially a creep.  And his house is pretty run down.  But what the hell?  Stark turns out to be a creepy-looking old coot with a beak nose and a club foot.  He doesn't know anything about the cat but invites Michael in for a drink anyway.  It seems Stark is one pretty interesting guy and he shares Strang's interest in anthropology, a subject he knows a lot about.

Well, Bozo never does turn up but Michael gets Marjory a bulldog "with the face of a gargoyle" to make up for it.  She names it Bozo, though it seems to me Michael might be more deserving of such an appellation than the dog.  Meanwhile Michael takes to hanging out at Stark's place cuz Stark knows all kindsa stuff about all kindsa things.  The only disconcerting note is that there's something going on upstairs at his place.  It sounds like some kind of animal is scrabbling around up there.  Something with hooves!  At first it sounds tiny, but over time it seems to sound as if it were getting bigger...

Things are getting funky around town though.  First it was the cats disappearing, then dogs.  Someone tries to snatch Bozo from his kennel in Marjory's family backyard, but the dog-napper is interrupted and gets away.  A few days later Michael has to rescue Stark for a tree, where Bozo has chased him and is menacing him.  He doesn't make the connection. 

Then kids start disappearing.  Then a couple teens having a "petting party" at the local lover's lane see someone carry off the body of a dead derelict.

Stark calls Michael up and asks him to come help him get a cabinet unstuck.  While he's working on the cabinet, he sees Stark apparently sneaking up on him with a huge mallet.  Caught, Stark makes an excuse ("thought you might need this").  Michael completes his task and gets the hell out of there. He goes home and decides to chill out with some light reading.  His choice for same is the German edition of Unaussprechlichen Kulten  ... um, yeah.

Anyway, after waking up all shook up from some Von Junzt-inspired nightmares he decides to call up Marjory and is told by her mom that M is supposed to be out on a date - with him!  "He" had called earlier and asker her to meet him at John Stark's place.  Finally putting two and two and four and a thousand together (he finally recalls that when Stark was creeping up on him with that mallet, he was fully mobile instead of his usual club-footed limp), he knows he must act!  He grabs a sword off his wall which has been in the Strang family for generations and once belonged to a mighty hero ancestor, because after all this is a Howard story, and heads off for Stark's.

Well down at Stark's he finds Bozo all beaten up but still brave, and Marjory all tied up. Stark nowhere to be found and that hoof-sounding thing is really making a racket upstairs.  Michael ungags Marjory who says they need to get the hell out of there like now BUT WAIT! First she has to tell Michael the whole story of what happened - for thirteen paragraphs!! So much for getting the hell out of there!  Anyway it seems Stark called her up, faking Michael's voice, asked to her to meet him at Stark's place, clobbered and tied her up and gagged her, and then proceeded to explain his whole evil plan in an epic monologue of comic-book villainy, complete with an "I might as well tell you everything since you're about to die anyway" bit.

So it seems Starky was experimenting with the usual black sorcery crapaloola that these types always get themselves into in Cthu stories, and he summoned something a "naked squalling thing" (Stark likes that phrase so much he uses it twice) from Out There, into this world.  And kept it as a pet upstairs. And it kept growing!   But he had to feed it - first cats, then dogs, then kids, then derelicts, and it just wanted more, more, more.  And since Horrible Monster from the Outer Darkness Chow hadn't been invented yet, he had to get meals for it or it was gonna eat him!  Plus it was controlling his mind now, anyway, so he hoped Marjory wouldn't take it personal that she was gonna be a monster's din-din.  

Anyway, the monster was making such a fuss upstairs Stark decides to go up to it and tell it was going to be fed soon, and then Marjory heard a horrible scream from upstairs and Stark never came back down.  And now can they get the hell out of these (she asks having just wasted thirteen paragraphs repeating every word Stark said during his Snidely Whiplash act).  

But NO!  Declares Michael, bravely puffing out his chest.  He MUST destroy the creature upstairs!  For the sake of the children!  So stride upstairs he does, chest out, sword in hand, Marjory sobbing "No Michael! No!" in the background.

Upstairs he hacks his way into the room and confronts the beastie, a bunch of tentacles with hooves - oh and little bits of Stark laying around the room, such as his head.  Michael does what any proper Howard hero would do and hacks the beastie to pieces, only to note that those pieces are turning into pools of black shining goop and then absorbing the Stark leftovers into bigger pools of black shining goop.  So he flees back downstairs, pursued by black shining goop, scoops up Bozo and Marjory, stops to set the house on fire and then stands outside with his girl and her dog, watching the place burn down.

Oh holy fuck.

You know the thing was I was actually enjoying this junk up until Michael ungags Marjorie and she starts into her ludicrous monologue.  It's cliched and obvious sure, but solidly written and though I knew right how the story would go, I was engaged enough to be interested in how it would get there.  I also dug the fact that the story was not a Lovecraft re-hash.  It was all mostly ordinary people in an ordinary Amurrican suburb, and could almost have been one of Richard Matheson's 50's "weirdness arrives in middle America" tales.  Editor Robert M. Price claims "we would not stray too far if we were to call it Howard's version of "The Dunwich Horror", but Price is a fucking idiot.  It's clearly influenced by "TDH", among other things.  

And then all of a sudden it turns into practically a parody of bad pulp writing, and of Howard's own tropes.  Stark's gut spilling and Michael's sudden burst of square-jawed heroism are flat-out hilarious. 

So, the makings of a decent Weird Tales tale ruined by some absurdly bad writing - Howard was capable of much better.











Sunday, September 29, 2024

"The Door To the Word" by Robert E. Howard and Joseph S. Pulver

originally published Nameless Cults, Chaosium, 2001

Expanded from 'The Door to the Garden', Fantasy Crosswinds #2, 1977.

John O'Dare lived the "savage" life of an adventurer, then settled down and became a writer of adventure novels.  Good-selling ones, too, it seems.  Now he's sitting in an easy chair in his home, enjoying the good life, a good book, and staring at the big-ass ring he inherited from his ancestor, Lord Donal O'Dare, witha big-ass stone and weird writing no one can decipher or identify.

His reverie is interrupted when he starts to have an acid flashback - except acid hadn't been invented yet so WTF.  After several hallucinogenic moments a skinny guy in a tunic and sandals suddenly climbs through his window.  Then apologizes for climbing through the wrong window.  O'Dare figures this guy is an escaped lunatic, but he soon finds out his visitor is named Xatha.  And he comes from somewhere else.  Like way else.  

It seems Xatha was farting around in some gorgeous garden at "the rim of the world" that is entered by portals or gates.  Everything was going just ducky until he got attacked by a bat-winged hamburger snatcher he calls "Begog".  He escaped through one of the gates, into our world, but Begog clawd him and sure enough, he's got the wounds to prove it.  Oh and by the way that's his ring, thank you very much!  At that moment, Begog himself shows up, so O'Dare and Xatha flee through another portal and end up back in Xatha's homeland.  (Here Pulver picks up the story).

Xatha's homeland is straight out of Lord Dunsany which means its pretty, verdant, wondrous, lovely, charming blah blah blah in a pile of superlative adjectives (don't get me wrong, I like Dunsany).  

Xatha takes him to his home city and introduces him to local hot chick Elethia, The Esteemed Father - their Grand Pooba, and his own pops, Zaga - who's way more manly than Xatha.  T.E.F. explains that Begog and his armies of orc-y things have been assailing them for centuries, due to screw-ups their ancestors made.  Oh and yes, it eas Donal O'Dare who crossed the worlds and took the ring off of them.  The gem in the ring (and other pieces of jewelry) are what keep Begog at bay.  But they're running low on juice and need to be recharged.  They're suddenly attacked by baddies but O'Dare, Xatha and Zaga chop them all up into hamburger. Off they go to recharge the gems. Riding on the back of pretty dragons.

All goes well till they reach their destination of Ssian-ho, another city, which they find has been reduced to rubble, and Xatha's brother killed in the conflict.  They're attacked again, and start piling up bodies of baddies until Begog hisself shows up.  It looks like curtains for our heroes until an orb of light suddenly shows up and makes Begog vanish.

Back home, Elethia, now enaged to O'Dare, elects to go with him and Xatha to find more gems.  They find them, but are attacked again by Begog, who knocks O'Dare into a portal and back to Earth.  Where people think he's nuts.  But he's gonna get back there.  And he has a plan...

Well this one at least is different, insofar as Pulver takes it in directions I can't even imagine Howard going.  I mean Dunsanian fruit salad just wasn't R.E.H.'s style.

In any other respects this is routine Burroughs+Dunsany+Lovecraft stuff.  Begog is kinda cool though.